The Blob is Like The Socialist Revolution

 

It's a sultry Saturday morning in Key West. Lucia's sitting at her vanity in a ripped dressing gown and her big-size-floppy cans are showing.

Looking closely at her face in the oval mirror she wipes the beauty cream off it with a wet face cloth. 

She’s startled by Henry as he walks into the bedroom holding a tray with a cup of coffee on it and admonishes him, 

How about announcing yourself, whistle, or clear your throat, you scared me.

My hands were full sweetie. 

Use your mouth, say something, pendejo.

Is it hunting season between your legs?

So, you noticed my swollen nipples.

She pours a cup of coffee. He smiles at her saying, 

you have the most beautiful mama gamuosh babushka in the world. 

She has a coffee cup in one hand and her lipstick in the other. Het stares at her like any man stares at the woman he loves.

Her long, curly hair is roughed up, she’ll get her hair done at Carmen’s Cubano Salón on Duval Street later in the afternoon.

Lucia is combative this morning, she dials the wall phone in the kitchen, 

I need to eat or I'm going to faint, Henry

he dials a Chinese joint close by for takeaway, one  

Kum Den Chinese saying  

I need to speak with my Uncle Choy, it's important.

He's pulling the Chinamen's chains

Henry busy, busy, chopping fried wild lice with 魚和雞, adding herbs in the kitchen.

Curious, he wises up,

what's your name, 

Choy,

what about Thai massage? 

how much? 

We got a few local girls, Thai masseuses,

In that case, I'll sue, Godammit.  

Go ahead, I'm the executor, the will is going to be read next week at the civil courthouse in Morgantown. You're going to need a lawyer, I'd suggest Fredo Hammerschmidt. 

Never mind miss Clapper. I’m claustrophobic,  windowless rooms close in on me. Do me a favor will ya? Lay a petunia in Uncle Victor’s casket on his cock, it was his life's work.

That will be quite enough Mr. Lucowski, how dare you bushwhack your dead uncle? Thank you for your time, sir.

Betsy Clapper hangs up on him and Lucia who’s been listening asks,

what was that about? I take it your uncle died? I heard you talking like a Chinaman and disrespecting your dead uncle. What's come over you, idiota? 

My right arm's numb and I'm having heart palpitations. Is it indigestion or a mini-stroke? Would burping and farting at the same time help?

Henry, go to the bathroom if you need to pasar el gas. 

He obliges, walking to the privy and closing the door. Knowing it was over between he and his uncle—  dead, gone, done, and buried. 

Later, Henry’s at his desk working and Lucia comes into his study suggesting,

let’s go see a movie,

what’s playing?

Does it make a difference?

No.

They load their Coleman cooler with ice, cans of Budweiser, bottles of whiskey coolers, and snacks in the kitchen. 

As the sun sets, like clockwork at 8, they roll the cooler to their station wagon that's parked in the driveway. Their Chihuahuas, Che, and Mia follow, yapping, eager to go for a ride. 

Henry backs the wagon out of the driveway onto Peach Road, taking it to Highway 1. 

At Boca Chica Key, he follows Langley Avenue to the Starlight Drive-in Theater, wheeling the rig up to the ticket booth and asking the cashier, 

will my dogs need tickets, beautiful? 

The cashier, a piggish looking gal says, 

mister, there’s a line of cars behind you, I don’t have time to talk shit, you wanna see the film or not? 

He hands her a ten, he puts it in second gear moving on the stone driveway, greeted by two cranks with pompadours, wearing jumpsuits and twirling red-capped flashlights. 

Following their lead, he wheels 45 degrees and parks, so the car's front is resting on a stone mound, giving the lovers  

unimpeded view of the screen. 

Lucia opens the wagon’s windows to smell the sea breeze blowing off Jewfish Basin, the windward sea. 

A muffled tin-like sound comes through the cheap speaker hung on the driver-side window pane, watching cartoons on the screen, a drive-in’s lineup of  fried luck and salad, a box of popcorn, a cup of Coca-Cola with rounded eyeballs and insect legs, crooners doing the soft shoe in unison, singing the sales pitch, 

don’t forget to pick up some delicious soft drinks and popcorn at the concessions stand in the rear of the parking lot.

Lucia passes Henry a Bud from the ice cooler and grabs one for herself. On the big screen, the Road Runner's burning rubber, running circles around Wiley the Coyote, always getting the best of him. 

The Chis jump on Lucia’s lap, bracing their front paws on the dashboard, eyeballing the cartoon. She wonders, 

who do you think Chi and Mia are rooting for, the coyote or the roadrunner?

the roadrunner's the hero you know, of course, he always wins.

mi esposo, the know it all.

Another bit, advertising the junk for sale at the concession stand flashes on the screen— a three-dimensional waterfall of popcorn cascades out of the big screen onto the parking lot. This, fooling the Chis, who try to bat down the airborne kernels of corn with their paws. Lucia laughs saying, 

I love America.

The feature film comes on the screen. It’s the sixties’ sci-fi hit, The Blob. Henry asks, 

did you see The Blob in Cuba? 

You’re funny pendejo.

The couple’s full of anticipation as the opening score, Beware of the Blob by Burt Bacharach plays through the cheap-tin speaker.

In the opening scene a teenage kid named Steve, played by 28-year-old Steve Mc Queen, witnesses a meteor crash in a cornfield. When he goes to investigate, he finds an old man who is being consumed by what looks like a hand full of purple jam. Convinced the Blob is a ghoul, the kid runs to town to report the incident and of course, the sheriff thinks he’s crazy.

The flesh-eating-soulless Blob was brewed on mars, it expands, swelling up more with each living organism it gobbles up. The film which in theory is terrifying comes off as goofy. Lucia laughs and says,

el show es estupido, not scary! Henry laughs saying,

let's light a joint.

The Blob continues to expand, becoming a semi-truck size ball of goo that oozes into town, squeezing into the Colonial Theatre and absorbing a few hapless movie-goers.

As the Blob seeps out of the theater, the young hero, Steve, sprays it down with a fire extinguisher and notices the CO 2 fumes cause the jelly-bellied Blob to recoil. 

Steve then convinces a mob of angry town folk to grab every available fire extinguisher in town and spray the bugger down, freezing it in place. 

Later, the Air Force shows and tows the big-size ball of man-eating frozen jelly to a transport plane, dropping it into an arctic wasteland somewhere up north. 

When the film's over, Henry wheels his station wagon through the parking lot, driving south to Key West, asking Lucia if she enjoyed the quirky flick. She answers,

the Blob is like the Socialist Revolution, it wants to eat the world alive. In America, the good guys come in the end, pipi on the fire, and put it out.