Where are the Valiums?

Where are the valiums? 

It will come to me in a second, darling.

Driving home the other day I saw a truckload of pigs headed to the slaughterhouse. It breaks my heart every time I see it, I haven’t had a thimble full of meat in ten years or more, sure I crave it, ribs, bacon, pork chops, but I can't get around slaughtering pigs.

Barbecued ribs have been an institution for hundreds of years in America for Chinese Americans, Afro-Americans, and whites.

State fairs throughout the US hold rib cook-offs every summer. 

The Holy Quran states that you can eat pig meat if you’re starving and there's no way out— Jews that eat Kosher think the same.

Some would eat human flesh if they had nothing else— in the film Alive, the starved survivors eat flesh from the bodies of their dead comrades to survive.

Any cannibal worth his or her salt wouldn’t think twice about eating people, the Wari of Brazil celebrate victory on the battlefield roasting captured enemy alive and eating them. 

Personally, I can't stomach pig or human meat. Let's move on.

Henry and Lucia have a noon reservation at Conch Republic in Key West for the yearly exotic meat festival and he asks his wife,

what's the fare at Conch Republic,

the usuals dear, alligator, wildfowl, escargot, jellyfish,

pigeon? 

Yes, it’s wildfowl,

they’re flying rats, 

they mate for life sweetie, it's romantic. 

At the Conch Republic, the couple is greeted by the owner Carlos anouncing,

it’s the most beautiful man and woman in Key West, I hope you all didn’t eat cause we got an exotic meat spread that’s gonna knock your socks off, go help yourself it’s cafeteria style.

The couple orders a pitcher of a local brew, Funky Buddha, then go fill their plates with exotic meat. 

Back at the bar, Carlos points at their plates saying, 

you got a croc, pigeon, eel, we did what we could to cook jellyfish, but the creature's acids burned our mouths.

Henry tastes the pigeon saying, 

damn, this is better than chicken, pass the salt and pepper darling.

They drain the pitcher of Funky Buddha and order another, Lucia insists on Cubano beer, Buccaneer, Carlos tells em, 

the salad bar's ready, 

at the salad bar, they fill bowls of mac and cheese, cole slaw, mashed sweet potatoes, and poi, bringing the bowls to the bar on a tray. Henry wonders aloud asking,

Jesus, Carlos, you can't be makin any money here, 

Henry, we make money on the booze and break even on the meat product, my brother Ray owns a butcher shop, I get it at cost,

nice Henry says, 

Carlos speaks in Spanish to Lucia.

I came to Miami in an overcrowded rust bucket during the Mariel Boatlift in 79, Fidel shit all over El Presidente Carter, trust me, Lucia, nobody expected the Cubans to do so well in Miami,

sí Carlos, el pueblo Cubano del Miami fit in well here, cono Latino is always welcome, Henry grins saying, 

yes, everyone loves Latin pussy, it makes the world go round.

Wait, Carlos says,  

as the two get up to go, Carlos slips Henry a brown envelope wrapped in a napkin saying, 

I think you're going to need this wee man, love you guys!

The couple's loaded, holding on to each other for balance as they walk home and go to bed. 

Later at 9PM, Henry wakes Lucia and they walk out to the patio. Lucia goes inside to mix up drinks in the blender, bloody marys garnished with stalks of cellary, bringing them to the patio table.

Henry lays out 8 lean lines of cocaine row by row on the tabletop. 

They roll dollar bills, snorting the protean stuff, Henry asks Lucia, 

where are the valiums, darling?