It's a Wednesday night in Key West. Henry and his Cuban wife, Lucia, are in bed. She says to him,
darling, I miss Summer Wynd,
Summer Wynd, their lover, is in Maine living with family and teaching ballet. Lucia continues,
Henry, are you going to kiss me goodnight?
He sighs and turns to her, giving her a light kiss, she snaps back,
you call that a kiss?
What kinda kiss did you expect?
I don’t know, do it again and I’ll let you know.
Should I kiss you like we’re making love?
Kiss me like you kissed Amy, your Jamican friend when you fucked her in the hot tub.
How was that?
You know, heavy, lip-locked, deep kissing with lotza tongue.
It was different kissing Amy, I got excited because it was the first time.
Lucia sits up in bed, vexed she says,
so when you kiss me it's not exciting because we’re used to each other, is that it?
Darling, a relationship is like a job, stuff happens, and you settle into it.
You mean fucking me is like punching a time clock?
Lucia, you got a bug up your prat or what?
Your the bug Henry, I’m going to Dog Beach with the Chihuahuas. I’m appreciated there, men can’t keep their eyes off me.
Do you need that, the male adoration?
Yes,
well, beautiful women are a curiosity. Anyway— my love for you is bigger than the Milky Way, you're my soul mate.
Sí, mi amor, let's go to The Little Pearl and spend a heap on a French meal— Coq au vin, Garbur, Bouillabaisse, and a bottle of Beaujolais.
I'll make a reservation at eight.
Henry and Lucia’s bandying was a wake-up call for love asleep, adrift in the vanilla soup of everyday life.
By midnight their home in bed relaxing, having eaten at The Little Pearl earlier.
Henry’s reading a review of Truman Capote’s latest book, Answered Prayers in The New York Times. Lucia’s sitting up with her back against the headboard. She turns towards Henry and vomits into the newspaper he’s reading.
He laughs out loud and says,
You’ve mirrored my thoughts on Capote’s new book.
As Lucia runs to the bathroom, Henry unsuccessfully attempts to fold the newspaper so the vomit won’t leak through the pages, walking to the kitchen, and throwing the mess into the trash.
Back in the bedroom, he strips the bed, spraying the mattress with Lysol, and remakes the bed with fresh cotton linen.
Lucia walks out of the bathroom in her silk Japanese robe, she’s pale, and mascara's running over her cheeks. Irrationally saying,
I’m dying, get me to the hospital.
Yeah, we're all dying, OK, let's go.
To expedite the trip, they take the Vespa instead of Henry’s Chevy wagon.
A half-hour later Lucia’s laying on her back in a draped-off area on a hospital cot watching the bubbling, drip, drip, drip of her IV bag that’s chock full of electrolytes and antibiotics.
She had food poisoning, something to do with the food at The Little Pearl.
At 3 PM Lucia's still on her back, better, and ready to be discharged.
Henry’s slouched in a hard plastic chair in the waiting room. The cashier calls him to her desk and stares at him through a thick glass partition, he says,
so? She answers,
so how are you going to pay Mr. Lucowski?
Does the clinic have an installment plan?
She grins, a wide, toothy, alligator grin, and says,
you’re funny.
He hands her his Blue Cross Blue Shield card, a piece of thin rectangular plastic with a large blue cross on it, the insurance companies' swastika.
The cashier, a Miss Mulberry, runs the card through a little black box connected to the phone line, after a few minutes telling Henry,
Mr. Lucowski, your family policy has been canceled.
There’s a tense feeling in the air— the scene amps. A bald security guard is standing near Henry, tapping his foot with his arms crossed on his chest, prepared to attack if needed.
How about VISA Miss Mulberry? Are you by chance a member of the Mulberry tree family?
Funny, Mr. Lucowski, yes we accept VISA.
She hands him the bill, It’s 2453 dollars. He considers making a run for it but doesn’t want to leave Lucia holding the bag, so he hands over his credit card.
Miss Mulberry runs his card and hands it back with the receipt that he signs. Then, walking back to the waiting area where he sits in the same hard plastic chair, feeling pillaged by the hospital, insurance, and Parma industries.
Lucia sashays out to the waiting area, looking sexy but drawn in her silk bathrobe. She sits next to Henry and he says,
If you add the clinic and restaurant bills together, we spent 2600 dollars for diner. Fuck The Little Pearl.
Shut up Henry, take me home, I'm tired.
The following day, Henry wakes at noon, showers, ties back his waist-length hair, dresses, and walks to the kitchen where he brews coffee and orders a dozen bagels and a quart of chopped chicken livers from Goldman’s Deli.
Sitting at the kitchen table noshing he hears the doorbell ring and yells,
nobody’s home.
The doorbell rings again, exasperated and feeling half asleep, having spent all night at the local clinic with Lucia, he stands and goes to answer the door, it’s the Stones.
The couple lives next door to Henry and Lucia in a brightly painted bungalow with an immaculately manicured lawn that's Don Stone's pride and joy.
Henry reluctantly opens the door and is blinded by a pair of tooth-filled Crocodylus smiles, causing him to step back, Don says,
Did we wake you Henry, have you met my wife Jane? Me Tarzan, she Jane.
Funnyman, how bout some coffee?
They walk into the kitchen and sit down at the table. Henry pours them coffee, sets plates, and brings a tray of bagels, Don says,
where’s your better half?
Oh, Lucia, she’s in the bedroom, recovering from food poisoning.
What was it, oysters in October?
Yeah, something like that.
I hope she's OK, anyway, Jane and I are going to Palm Beach to celebrate our three year anniversary for ten days and— Henry interrupts saying,
three years of marriage, leather anniversary, you got something kinky planned?
Lucia walks into the kitchen in her bra and panties, sitting down at the table and pouring herself a cup of coffee. Don's eyeballs her and Jane elbows him saying,
behave Don,
Lucia asks Henry in Spanish
Quienes son ellas?
Tarzan and Jane our neighbors,
OK.
Don goes on,
Anyway, can you watch our house while we're away? Lucia answers,
sure, Tarzan.
Fabulous, there's not much to do, just the basics— water the lawn, the house plants, and feed our kitty, Snowball. She eats dry food, there’s a big-size bag of Purina Chow in the broom closet. Oh, and don’t forget to give her water. Lucia says,
Si Tarzán, maybe kitty would like to play with our Chihuahuas in the backyard?
oh no, Snowball doesn’t like dogs.
Tarzan and Jane get up from the kitchen table. He places a couple of keys on the table saying,
we can’t thank you enough, off to Palm Beach.
Don And Jane Stone are unexceptional but happy. Empty-headedness is a blessing for some.
That evening, Henry walks next door to the Stones bungalow, unlocking the front door, going inside, and turning on the lights. The air's stuffy so he opens the living room windows.
There’s a cluster of framed Stone family photos hung unevenly behind the TV.
Snowball, a white Persian with a sunken face walks up to him, rubbing her face on his bare feet and then turning on her back. She jumps up when Henry walks to the kitchen to fill the kitty's empty bowls with water and dry food. She picks at the food.
He walks to the bathroom, looks at himself in the mirror, brushing the loose strands of long hair back and thinking,
I’m getting old, maybe an occasional facial would help— Lucia will know what to do, she’s a woman.
Then, he opens the medicine chest where he rummages through the bottles of pills, finding Xanax and slipping it in his pocket.
Back in the kitchen, he draws a bowl of water, cupping the liquid with one hand and sprinkling it on the house plants as though he’s baptizing them saying,
in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
As Snowball sleeps on the sofa, Henry opens the liquor cabinet, reaching into it and taking out a bottle of Remy Martin. He takes two drinks from the bottle and puts it back.
He locks the house and walks home, forgetting to water the lawn. Lucia's laying on the living room sofa half asleep. She asks,
what took so long?
Nothing, I was playing with Snowball.
She orders Chinese food from Fu King Chinese. They eat in front of the TV, watching the film Five Easy Pieces. Enjoying the hold the chicken scene, where—
Bobby, played by Jack Nicholson is with some traveling companions and wants to order a meal at a diner. He knows exactly what he wants as he orders off the menu.
Bobby— I’ll have an omelet, no potatoes. Give me tomatoes instead, and wheat toast instead of rolls.
Waitress— No substitutions.
Bobby— What does that mean? You don’t have tomatoes?
Waitress, who’s getting annoyed— No we have tomatoes.
Bobby— But I can’t have any, is that what you mean?
Waitress— Only what’s on the menu, a number two, plain omelet. It comes with cottage fries and rolls.
Bobby— I know what it comes with, but that’s not what I want.
Waitress— I’ll come back when you’ve made up your mind.
She moves away but Bobby detains her.
Bobby— Wait, I’ve made up my mind. I want a plain omelet, forget the tomatoes, don’t put potatoes on the plate, and give me a side of wheat toast and a cup of coffee.
Waitress— I’m sorry we don’t have side orders of toast. I can give you an English muffin or a coffee roll.
Bobby— What do you mean, you don’t have side orders of toast? You make sandwiches, don’t you?
Waitress— Would you like to talk to the manager?
Bobby— You have bread don’t you, and you have a toaster of some kind?
She begins writing down his order and repeating it sarcastically.
Waitress— One Number Two, and a chicken sal san, hold the mayo, the lettuce. And, a cup of coffee, anything else?
Bobby— Now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, charge me for the sandwich, and you haven’t broken any rules.
Waitress— You want me to hold the chicken?
Bobby— Yeah I want you to hold it between your knees.
The others at the table laugh and the waitress points to the Right to Refuse Service sign.
Waitress— You see that sign sir?
Bobby glances over at it and back to her.
Waitress— You’ll all have to leave, I’m not taking any more of your smartness and sarcasm.
Bobby smiles politely at the waitress.
Bobby—You see this sign?
With one swipe of his arm, he forcefully pushes the glasses of water and condiments off the table onto the diner floor. Glass breaks, and liquids splash.
Bobby and his friends hustle out to their car and speed away before the cops can come.
Henry and Lucia laugh raucously watching the famous hold the chicken scene from Five Easy Pieces. The scene is transgressive screenwriting at its best.
The following morning at 11, the couple is finishing a breakfast of Mexican coffee and mango crepes. She says to him,
darling, don’t forget to feed Snowball.
I was just thinking about that, I’ll go right over.
In the kitchen of the Stone’s bungalow, he fills the kitty’s bowls with food and water. Then, he notices she is in her litter box scratching— the kitty looks at him steadily before turning back to the litter.
Feeling impish, he opens all the cupboards, examining the can goods, cereals, packaged foods, the cocktail and wine glasses, the china, and the pots and pans.
Turning and opening the refrigerator— he sniffs a stalk of celery, takes two bites out of an apple, and chews on it as he walks into the bedroom.
The bed seems enormous, with a thick Hudson Bay blanket covering it. He wonders why they need a blanket like that in South Florida? Then, he opens the nightstand drawer, finding a half-empty package of cigarettes in it and stuffing them into his pocket. This, inane because he doesn't smoke.
As he steps into the walk-in closet there’s a knock at the front door. He walks to the living room and opens the door, It’s Lucia who asks,
what’s been keeping you? You’ve been here more than an hour pendejo!
Have I really?
Yes,
Oh, I had to go to the toilet.
You have your own toilet at home.
I couldn’t wait.
Nine days later, the Stones are due home. Henry completes his chores early, feeding Snowball and the rest.
That afternoon Baxter Whitman, who lives next door to the Stones— three houses away from Henry and Lucia, is preparing to spray paint the outside of their house, salmon-pink.
Lucia’s at Dog Beach with the Chis, Che y Mia, drinking Rum Cocos, and Henry’s taking a nap.
It’s Baxters' first try at air paint spraying. He jumps right into it, plugging the compressor into a long extension cord.
It’s a windy day in Key West— if Bax had a lick of sense, he wouldn't have spray painted while the wind was blowing.
As thick as two short blanks, Baxter goes at, spraying the front side of the house.
Regrettably, Bax is unaware that the wind is blowing north towards the Stones lawn, causing the paint to drift.
In no time, the Stone’s lawn and bushes are salmon-pink.
When Lucia returns from Dog Beach on her Vespa scooter she’s stunned when she sees the pink make-over of the Tarzan and Jane's lawn.
Baxter Whitman has finished painting for the day and is heating a TV dinner in his kitchen, unaware he’s spray-painted the Stone’s front lawn
Lucia, who’s standing on the porch, yells through an open window,
Henry, you gotta see this.
He runs outside in his underwear to the front porch, standing next to Lucia, surveying the painted lawn. Saying to her,
I heard a compressor running earlier, it looks like Baxter Whitman was spray painting his house, and the paint drifted onto the Stone’s lawn. Tarzan and Jane will be home tomorrow, odds are they sue Bax because their lawn and bushes are dead. Lucia says,
there’s a box of lawn flamingos in the garage, we can put a few around the Stone’s house, who knows? Maybe they’ll like the new look.
Henry and Lucia laugh out loud and he says,
When life gives you lemons make a pitcher of margaritas. I’m thirsty baby, how about a drink?
